From the Cumberland Gazette, Jan 28 2021…
We finally have to do it. You’ve heard about it, we’ve all heard about it. But report on it? Till now, not the Gaz. Careers and Walkley Awards come first around here. A non-tabloid journo has to eat (at least a bit, between drinks) just like the other sort, but panda-attacks-shark-to-save-child stories are not what we do. Aliens we definitely don’t do. No way a Gaz correspondent was going to put his/her name to the beached alien story…till now.
No less a personage than retired Israeli defense boss, Benny Getz, has declared that the pink and purple sort-of people spotted on beaches after the mysterious crash and explosion are real. According to Getz, they are aliens and they are real. He will say no more than that, so we will say no more at this time, except that a certain holidaying super-couple claim to be eye-witnesses to the new alien presence on an exclusive Mediterranean beach.
In other alien related news, Brisbane and Queensland bench forward…
From the Cumberland Gazette, July 2 2021…
While denial and skepticism have been rife, it keeps getting harder to ignore the many credible confirmations of the new alien presence. Now science has chimed in.
Dr Mona Wayling of the Utech Centre of Excellence has researched reports of the strange skin coloration which initially attracted so much scoffing. Her work, after close collaboration with NASA experts, has found that the overall bright pink coloration with the purple dotting could well be an adaptation to the radiation and unfiltered photons of deep space. While it is too early to tell, it may transpire that the visitors, if such they be, are inveterate space travelers, rather than inhabitants of a particular planet.
Tom Hanks continues to insist that he and his wife had a clear and close view of the so-called aliens. While Hanks relates the encounter with his customary levity, it is worth remembering that he has recently met several times with military and security heads of the Five Eyes. (There is still no explanation for Hanks’ apparent disappearance from Denver International Airport and reappearance a week later at Mawson Station in the Australian Antarctic Territories.)
Pope Francis has remarked that a world gripped by a terrifying virus and equally terrifying climate change could do worse than look upward to the heavens…
From the Cumberland Gazette, Dec 21 2021…
While the Christmas spirit of most Australians has embraced the Visitors (we can lose that “alien” word now, surely) discredited anti-vaxxer and Donald Trump booster Dr Barry Corcoran has chosen the time of joy to lash out at the great majority who have shown such an open and inclusive spirit. Corcoran, recently dismissed from his academic post and regular television engagements after inappropriately pressing against a network weather presenter, has claimed that science is wrong and hundreds of eyewitnesses are caught up in a bizarre conspiracy to promote the existence of aliens who do not exist. The disgraced former professor and failed Celebrity Survivor contestant even has a theory that a measure of absurdity, such as the pink and purple skin color of the Visitors, is “built in” to what he calls “these globalist hoaxes” as a kind of “threshold test”. His words, not ours.
Meanwhile, Human Rights Sub-Commissioner Dr Andrea Saunders has called for a ban on the old 1950s hit, Purple People Eater. “While the song was once an amusing novelty and nothing more, it is rapidly becoming a tool of the far right in attacking not only the Visitors but also those who wish to show inclusiveness towards all who come from outside.” Dr Saunders drew particular attention to the verse of the song which imputes, without the slightest justification, malice, racism and even cannibalism to the Visitors:
“Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don’t eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn’t eat you cuz you’re so tough.”
From the Cumberland Gazette, Aug 25 2022…
There have been a number of arrests after a group of mainly middle-aged Caucasian males performed a version of Purple People Eater as a flash mob in the Miranda Fair shopping centre. Initial charges involve use of the old Ray Stevens hit without permission of Warner Entertainment. It is thought that prosecutions for public nuisance and racial incitement will follow.
Such behaviour should soon become less common. Legislation is before Parliament which will make it a crime to deny the existence and/or presence of the Visitors. Ridiculing the appearance of the Visitors is already an offense under bullying laws; soon boycotting businesses which display the international Visitor-ready logo or Visitor-friendly signs will be punishable by heavy fines or even imprisonment.
Meanwhile controversy rages over TIME Magazine naming the Visitors its Person of the Year. Since there has been no direct contact with the Visitors there has been no way to get their consent to the description “Person”. Human rights groups, while being careful not to represent the issue as a “human” issue, have called for a full review of TIME’s insensitive gaffe. Some have proposed that an apology to the Visitors followed by the joint nomination of Dr Mona Wayling and Dr Andrew (formerly Andrea) Saunders would be an appropriate solution.
As Visitor denialism by a small but determined fringe becomes a public threat, a number of eminent scientists and ethicists are suggesting that the spread of such toxic opinions be treated as “mental pandemics”. Dr Warren Singer of Our Rights Now! has stated: “We ask that people with a virus be isolated and that health passports be carried and constantly updated. Should we not insist that those who deny the very existence of the Visitors be subjected to rigorous re-education before being permitted travel and free movement?”
From the Cumberland Gazette, March 2 2023…
The tragic deaths of Visitor 339 and the popular social media influencer known as Shauna Sheep (real name Kylie Grubb) highlight the need to stiffen the UN’s Protective Mutuality measures. Grubb, diagnosed with COVID-19NS3 after recovery from the original strain of the virus, had been in accidental contact with Visitor 339 on a Cyprus beach shortly after the crash of Space Craft V-alpha.
In what may be a bizarre and terrifying exchange of pathogens, Visitor 339 has passed away with one or both strains of COVID (though actual cause of death may have been delayed shock from the crash), while Kylie Grubb’s death has been attributed to a mystery pathogen which caused purple speckling on the skin. This reported symptom has given rise to racist outbursts from the small fringe hostile to Visitor presence.
Isolation has now become total for all Visitors. Dr Julius Szabo of the Centre of Excellence for Visitor Studies has stated that any degree of Visitor-human interchange may now be several years away. Professor Doreen Golightly of Wollongong’s Thunberg Environment Emergency Unit has warned that the rapid pace of climate change may mean that full Visitor adaptation may not be achievable, even long term. “Unless all nations immediately come on board with UN Climate Resolutions 36, 39 and 63, the much regretted protective isolation of our Visitor population will be indefinite.”
In other news, Warren Diklas, disbarred solicitor and leader of far right group SMJOA (Show Me Just One Alien), was found dead in custodial isolation…
So. Pink and purple aliens.
See how it’s done?